


Notes on Tarsus IV

by kirk_to_enterpise_15



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Academy Era, Implied Childhood Sexual Abuse, M/M, Tarsus IV
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-28
Updated: 2014-05-28
Packaged: 2018-01-26 23:24:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,911
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1706345
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kirk_to_enterpise_15/pseuds/kirk_to_enterpise_15
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Spock finds out about Jim's time on Tarsus...in the classroom.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Notes on Tarsus IV

**Author's Note:**

> i posted this earlier but i had to repost because of technical difficulties (the font was too small too read) but its fixed now thanks to someone on here who helped me! Thank you to everyone who already commented and left kudos though, i really appreciate it! :)

Jim was sitting rigidly in his seat, subtly counting down the seconds ticking by on his watch while taking vigorous notes. Bones looked over at him every few minutes in concern, but kept his silence. He knew what this was about. His best friend was forced to sit here and take _notes_ on something terrible he'd experienced up close and personal while someone else talked about a place and a situation they had never been in before. McCoy's heart ached for him. Even if the professor was Jim's boyfriend, he still wanted to tear his throat out as he droned on about what we could learn from this massacre. Tarsus IV, the words stung.

He could only imagine how Jim must be feeling, how he was even managing to keep a straight face, and calmly take notes on his nightmare of a childhood. Hell, that was only part of it. McCoy knew there was plenty of other crap in the kid's past, but nothing he talked about very openly. McCoy was probably the only one who could see his fist clenched tightly around his padd, while his fast typing fingers looked like they were about to crush the screen because of so much force. Although Spock did give them a curious look halfway through the lecture before going back to his slideshow.

A deafening silence descended on the room in the next moment as a picture came up of a young child with vacant blue eyes and dirtied light blonde hair staring straight into the camera. Jim had not looked up yet, but as he did he felt all eyes turn to him. He looked up at the screen and was met with startlingly familiar eyes, his own. Obviously it's not like everyone in the class had recognized him by just that picture, but to make matters worse there was his name underneath: _James Kirk, age: 13_. His mouth opened in disbelief, that was always supposed to be _classified_. Spock was staring at him, shock obvious on his usually stoic face. Jim didn't meet any of their eyes as he hauled his bag over his shoulder and with his padd took off out the door. Luckily he was close to the front already. Nobody stopped him.

McCoy and Spock met eyes across the room, and Spock immediately understood the doctor already knew of this. Spock, for once, was at a loss as what to do. Logically, he should simply continue the lecture despite what had just occurred. However, a bigger part of his mind was telling him to go after Jim. His t'hy'la was clearly suffering, as anyone would be after that. Being forced to remember his time on that awful planet in such a public place must have been...very stressful, to put it mildly. “Class dismissed”, he said calmly after looking back at the door one more time. All of his students looked dumbfounded, most of all McCoy, seeing as he had never ever dismissed them early. Not even five minutes early.

There was no logic in it, after all. As he had explained many times before. No one was about to complain, though. Spock raised one eyebrow at them when no one moved, impatient to go after Jim, which finally got everyone moving. No cadet dared approach him after class, not even Uhura. McCoy waited behind as all the others left and came up to Spock. “I'm guessing Jim never told you?” He asked, leaning back against the desk in a nonchalant manner, although the worry for his friend was clear in his voice. “No, he never...”, Spock was not sure what to say, he just wanted to go after Jim. “Don't take it personally, it took me almost three years to get him to really open up to me. I figured you'd want to go after him alone, but take this”, Bones handed him a hypo. “I've seen this before, he's probably having a panic attack right about now, as much as he may deny it. Now go after him, you idiot”, McCoy told him fondly, pointing at the door. Spock did not waste another second as he quickly walked out.

It was surprisingly easy finding Jim, he had not gone far. He was sitting in a secluded hallway in an even more secluded corner, which was the only reason it'd taken Spock longer than 2.2 minutes. The flash of red caught his eye, he would have walked by if he had not seen it. His face was buried in his uniform, but he looked up when he heard Spock. Spock could see his face was pale and stricken. He gave Spock a weak smile, and Spock did not run to him, per se. He just went at an extremely accelerated pace. Jim was breathing heavily, and Spock could hear his rapidly increasing heartbeat. His hands were at his sides, shaking despite being curled into fists.

“Spock”, Jim breathed, but Spock put a slender finger on his lips. “Shh, ashaya, do not waste your breath”, Spock told him softly, and tenderly stuck the hypo in his neck, such a stark contrast to the way Bones usually did. Jim had never been more thankful. “This will pass, do not worry”, Spock gently carded his hand through Jim's hair, and softly ran his fingers over Jim's wrist in a soothing motion. Jim wished he believed him but right now his heart was beating so hard he thought it was going to jump out of his rib cage. Spock sent thoughts of calm and love through the touch, helping to calm Jim's turbulent emotions of fear and panic. The silence around them helped, fortunately not many cadets passed through this way.

Jim's breaths eventually evened out and he rested his head back, sighing. “I grieve with thee”, Spock told him, with his hand still in Jim's hair and caressing Jim's wrist. Jim gave him a tentative smile, and breathed out, “That sounds a hell of a lot better than I'm sorry”. Spock's eyes crinkled, and Jim added in a whisper, “Thanks” as he leaned into Spock's touch. They were quiet for a few more minutes before the Vulcan broke it. "Would you like to...talk about it? I have heard that it is common among humans to discuss their feelings", Spock said, uncharacteristically nervous, but wanting to comfort Jim. "Nah, it's fine. It's no big deal", Jim told him in a deceptively casual voice.

Spock did not think it was _fine_ , but he did not wish to pressure Jim into telling him something he did not wish to share. "Perhaps we could go back to your dorm", Spock suggested after another minute, which finally caught Jim's attention. Spock thought it only logical that they go some place quieter and where they could be alone, perhaps Jim would be more comfortable sharing with him there. “Sure, sounds good”, Spock pulled him up to his feet easily and took his hand. He resisted the urge to look around for any witnesses before placing a gentle kiss on Jim's hand. Jim's cheeks brightened a little at the action, but then he smiled brightly at Spock, which warmed Spock's chest. They had to drop each other's hands when they entered a more used hallway, as Jim was still Spock's student. It was a big risk for him to offer to go to Jim's academy dorm in the first place.

They made it to Jim's dorm in around five minutes, as it was not too far. Jim knew McCoy would not be there, probably tending to a patient of some sort. He wasn't really in the mood for sex, though, he really just wanted to...cuddle. He practically cringed at the reaction that would evoke from Spock and then laughed at himself for being so stupid. Spock, however, was close enough to Jim to make skin contact and felt that desire. He let out a small sigh at his human for ever thinking Spock would not want to cuddle, and lifted him up in one swift motion. Jim let out a startled yelp before he was gently deposited on the bed. “Do not be foolish, Jim. If you wish to cuddle, you must simply state your desire. None of your desires are _stupid_ ”, Spock told him sternly, while getting on the bed and turning Jim towards him. Jim blushed a beautiful scarlet. Spock loved making his human blush that fascinating human red.

He wrapped his arms around the fragile human and tugged him closer, putting his chin on top of Jim's head, which Jim was slowly burying into Spock's lower neck. They sat in companionable silence for a few moments as Jim slowly gathered the courage to speak. “No one would talk about the food shortage. On Tarsus”, Jim started, his voice a tad muffled by Spock's neck. He moved his head a bit for Spock to be able to hear him, but he didn't look him in the eyes. He couldn't. Spock said nothing, acutely aware of how difficult it was for Jim to share this. “People were terrified of mentioning it, it'd make it seem more real, I guess. Humans are pretty illogical, huh? It's like the little kid who thinks if they close their eyes the monster won't be there. I used to be that kid. I wasn't anymore after I'd come face to face with a real monster”, Jim gave a dark chuckle, his eyes growing distant.

Spock caressed his arm as Jim collected his thoughts and took a deep breath before continuing. “Anyways, no one knew what the hell was going to happen when Kodos called a meeting. You obviously know the history, so I won't bore you with the details. Long story short, I wasn't on the good list and we ran. We hid in the woods for weeks, scavenging for food wherever we could. I finally figured out a much more...effective method for getting food”, here Jim took a deep, shuddering breath and tightened his grip on Spock's tunic. Spock kissed Jim's forehead, and just waited patiently. “There were five kids with me, I was the oldest, so I took the responsibility”, Jim shrugged, making slow circles in Spock's tunic to distract himself now so he wouldn't have another panic attack.

“You were just a child yourself, Jim. Thirteen is much too young to bear the responsibility of five other children”, Spock spoke softly, lacing his fingers with Jim's and calming the tremors in his hand. “I stopped being a child the day I got food from _him_ ”, Jim's voice was slightly shaky and uneasy, and he moved away from Spock a little, as if afraid to touch him. “You probably wouldn't want to cuddle if you could see what's in my mind right now”, Jim explained, still not able to meet Spock's eyes. Spock grabbed him, trying to be both gentle and determined in his touch. “Jim”, he said firmly, lifting his chin so he could meet Spock's eyes. “Nothing I ever see in your mind or that you tell me will make me love you less or not want to cuddle with you”, Spock wanted to get his point across and gave Jim a chaste kiss on the lips before pulling him back down.

“ _Now_ , you do not have to tell me if you do not wish to. I would never force anything on you, I would merely like to state that I am here if you wish to...open up”, Spock said, going back to his caressing of Jim's hand. Jim sighed before settling back against Spock's chest, warmed by Spock's words. Of course he wants to tell him, everything, even the most horrendous of things. But he's never told anyone _everything_ , never trusted anyone enough to open up to them. They usually all leave or hurt him in some way, as god damn cheesy as that sounds. The only who's stuck around has been Bones, but he still doesn't know too much. Bones thinks he knows a lot more than he really does. It's always been hard for Jim to make himself vulnerable to others, but he finally allowed himself to truly believe that Spock was worth it. He's always taught himself that running is a victory, but maybe nobody needs to run alone.

“Okay”, Jim breathed out, finally decided and Spock could feel his resolution deep in his bones. He was not going to go back on this, no matter how difficult it may be. “I...I learned that Kodos had certain preferences. And I guess I happened to be one of them.. One day when I was out alone looking for food his guards caught me. They did some...bad crap before handing me over to him”, Spock could feel and hear the disgust in Jim's voice and mind as he said all of this, and Spock merely held him tighter, trying to push down the fury attempting to rise from him at what these guards had done, feeling the answer confirmed by Jim only made it worse. He did not wish to make Jim feel his fury and disgust, worried of scaring the human away.

“So...I don't want to have to go into too much detail here, but obviously Kodos didn't kill me. He did some other...things with my body, but unfortunately he never killed me. After that first time, he decided to ignore the fact that I was on his “bad” list. So every time...I let him use my body, he'd give me some food. And then, well I would sneak out and bring it to the others. He knew about them, I found out later, but I guess he was a little too preoccupied with me to really...care. God, I was such an idiot, Spock. But I wouldn't take back anything I did, because it saved those kids' lives. And every time I think about it I feel a disgusting sense of satisfaction and such repulsiveness it makes me sick...”, Jim choked on the last word, his throat tightening with each word.

“Oh, ashaya, please do not feel that way. You did everything in your power for them, and you should not blame yourself for anything that happened”, Spock tightened his hold on Jim and kissed his nape gently, his own heart slowly breaking at Jim's words, wanting to make him never feel this way again. The human in his arms was shaking and it took him a moment to realize Jim was...crying. Jim was roughly trying to wipe them away, embarrassed by his own emotional response. Spock's heart ached for him and he brushed away the slowly leaking tears from Jim's eyes, moving Jim's hand out of the way. “Jim, there is nothing wrong with...allowing yourself to feel some emotion”, Spock told him, the irony hitting him hard at his own words. “You taught me that”, he added after a quiet moment, and Jim looked up at him, grateful. “I love you so much, Spock”, Jim told him, and reached up to give him a long and sweet kiss on the lips.

“As I love you, Jim”, Spock told him, after they both pulled away out of breath. Spock wiped the last few traces of tears from Jim's eyes. “I guess talking about it did help”, Jim said after a moment, cuddling closer to Spock once again. Spock's lips twitched up at that. Jim sighed in contentment as he curled around him, purring like a soft little kitten. Jim yawned into Spock's neck and sank deeper into it, his eyelids shutting. "Rest now, t'hy'la", Spock whispered soothingly as he felt Jim's mind and body settling down into sleep. He's not sure how long he sat there running his hands through Jim's hair, but he was startled when McCoy walked in. It must have been at least a couple of hours. Luckily he didn't have another class until that night, but Jim had one soon, he believed.

McCoy took one look at them and rolled his eyes, but there was a tiny smile playing on his lips. "He feeling better?" He asked, quietly dropping his bag down so as to not wake the sleeping blonde. "Indeed, much better. Thank you for the hypo, doctor. What is the time?" Spock asked, watching Jim's restful face in sleep. "17:00", McCoy answered, going through a drawer in search of something. "Will you please excuse Jim from his next class?" Spock asked, this was probably the longest the two had gone on without arguing. They worked surprisingly well together when it came to Jim's safety and well-being. "Of course, I was planning on doing it anyways. God knows the kid definitely deserves some sleep. Never gets enough...", McCoy grumbled, grabbing his bag again.

"Thank you, Leonard", McCoy looked at him like he was crazy for a moment, before smiling slightly. "No problem, Spock. I wanna...thank you too. You're good for Jim", he spoke honestly. "Well I just needed to grab something but I guess I'll leave you two lovebirds alone for now", he said on his way out, giving Spock a quick wave before he left. Perhaps he and the doctor could learn to get along well after all. He looked back down at his sleeping t'hy'la and felt his own eyelids start to droop. Perhaps for just a few...minutes. He wrapped himself around Jim even more before falling asleep as well.


End file.
